As a young child I was always bewildered by what life was all about. I remember waking up to the beautiful sounds of birds and bugs in our cherry tree just outside my window. As I grew older that sense of fascination was interrupted by the demands of school and work. These things seemed to contradict an inner witness to a greater purpose and glory to life. Buildings, systems, social activities, grades and peer pressure tore me away from smelling flowers, watching the ocean, gazing at stars, climbing trees, walking barefoot in the grass and contemplating the mysteries of nature. I loved to watch a rain storm on a lake or sit by a campfire at night, but man had already defined what was important in life.
Total strangers, who lived long before I was ever born, had already determined for me what I was supposed to do with my life. My mom told me “that’s just the way it is son”. Life is already laid out…JUST DO IT! Go to school, get a job, find happiness and “help make the world a better place”. Something in me resisted this agenda. Even though I went through the motions for a time there was a huge apprehension about it all in my heart.
When I first arrived at a Michigan university, on a football scholarship, I was shocked to see the mad rush to find happiness. Everyone claimed to be happy, but was trying to find happiness. I would think “Am I missing something here? People say they are happy yet are searching for happiness? Could it be that everyone is lying?! As a bedazzled young man I found myself greatly puzzled. I was told that a college education would be the answer. But every “educator” told me:
“Look inside yourself to find happiness”. My response was “No thanks”! I looked inside there for twenty years. That’s exactly what’s got me so depressed!  There’s nothing in there but misery, lust and weakness. Got any other ‘great’ ideas?
There is no “power” in you to be happy. It’s just the opposite. Everyone has to buy something, do something or be something to feel worthwhile and escape facing what’s inside. The only “power” in you is depression. You have to force yourself to appear happy despitewhat you feel. From my family andfriends to the strangers on thestreet everyone appeared to havethis same misery yet, it was very clear, this battle was to be ignored and denied. Something was verywrong. The problem had to be with my faulty perception, lack of understanding and maturity. <Four years of college and five more years of graduate work, to attain a Master’s Degree, only confirmed my early inclinations>.
 Have you ever seen one of those horror movies where monsters, or aliens invade people’s bodies and slowly try to take over the world? Such a movie is usually based on great suspense of whether or not the evil plot will be discovered before the main actors are taken over. You don’t know who the monsters are or who the normal people are. This scenario began to seem very realistic as the urgency and suspense over this inner battle came to my awareness when I was in college. Something very bizarre was going on behind the outward appearances in life and I was determined to find out what this was all about.
 I gained a wild identity as a “tough dude” from being strong and fighting. My football buddies called me “Crazy War” (from my last name War-oniecki). Little did any one know how well this nickname accurately described the terrible battle going on within. A football injury suddenly devastated my entire mega-hyped world of image, success and “happiness”.  I went from being a somebody to a nobody. This ultimately wiped out any remaining desire to appear “together”. It became impossible for me to act happy any longer. I just couldn’t hide my depression from others. Slowly I began to be more at peace being depressed then trying to act happy. Being depressed was more real to me than acting happy.  This was a little scary because of the tremendous pressure to conform to what others want you to be… “happy”. Everyone began to look at me as though I were the monster because I would not act happy. It was a bizarre time. People do not like to be around someone who does not wear a smile and act “together”. As I began to change from a light hearted twit into a melancholy man I gradually lost my “friends” and “cool” image. They wanted to know “What’s wrong with you? Do you have an emotional problem? Is there something you’re not telling us”? All you have to do is look at people’s faces to know that this planet is filled with misery and depression. There is a huge difference between inward and outward realities. I played these phony games for twenty years but I just couldn’t do it anymore then or now. What about you?
In order to solve a problem you first have to clearly define it. You have to determine that there IS a problem. If you’re dealing with an engine, you go to a mechanic. If you’re dealing with a computer, you go to a technician. When you’re dealing with matters of the heart, you must go to the One Who created and defines it.

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